In the style of the brilliant Demetri Martin:
1. My friend says she won't go to a food place called Heavenly Ham because it's next to a funeral home.
2. I passed by a dog grooming shop. It had a sign. The sign said, "Beware of dog."
3. I don't think there is such a thing as a decaf gay coffee.
4. Someone, in good humour, joked that they would have settled the scholarship problems just as I was stepping up the ramp to Guantanomo Bay. They would have asked things like "Would you like a tropical vacation?" and to which I added, "Or, how do you like water sports?"
5. My professor has a CD of Pig-Latin... better known as Piggorean Chant. It's titled Grunt.