“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, to Flight SYM 1157 non-stop from Bach to Bond. Today’s program features requiems and funeral marches, in our concert theme of Now Everyone Can Die. Our conductor today is Captain Jet Dominant and our associate conductor is… ah, well, who remembers associate conductors anyway. Please focus your attention to our safety demonstration by people cuter than those you are likely to see on stage, with the exception being our harpist, of course. Please ensure all electronic devices are switched off for the duration of our program as it may interfere with the navigational equipment on stage. Singing in the toilets will set off the alarm.
Please fasten your safety belts and keep them fastened throughout the flight. If for whatever reason e.g. the lower brass, we experience turbulence these oxygen masks will pop down from above. Please fasten them onto yourself before attending to young ones under your care, and please note that children under five are not allowed in the concert hall and will have to be stowed in the overhead compartments or under the seat in front of you.
In the case of a Water Music landing, life jackets are under your seats. If the soloist is particularly out of tune, here is a whistle to attack attention. If you would like to inflate yourselves in the manner of our guest prima donna’s ego, tug on this string. For further inflation, good luck.
The cabin lights will be dimmed for the concert, and if you choose to read your program booklets please switch on the overhead lights. If your ears feel under pressure, have a drink and wait for your ears to pop.
Food and beverages will be served shortly after the overture, but please remember that food and drinks are not allowed to be consumed in the concert hall. The temperature on stage is slightly warm with a hint of rain. If you would actually like to listen to the concert, or something else more pleasant, ask our stewards and stewardesses for headphones. We hope you enjoy our musical flights of fancy.”