Supersports

I miss my old Innovation Friday posts, they were my authorized – or at least rationalized – hiatuses (hiati? haiti?) from reality. In their absence, I’ll just have to lean on the indulgence of my readers – oddly enough, especially the people I’ve dated over the years who just about all seem to take my buat lawak moments with a “uh-huh” look.

In every field, innovation is essential. New designs for string instruments look like something from a house of mirrors, and the cloning of Dolly (the sheep, not the Parton) ensures that we will soon have the ability to have the literally exact same delectable lamb chop we had last week. Sports should have the same progressive spirit, and not in the sense that squash (raquetball) is not an Olympic sport, but the trampoline is. Here are just some things that could open the world’s eyes to developments in the field.

1. Two handed badminton: before you balk, remember how cool Darth Maul was.

2. Battery-operated shuttlecocks: particularly attractive for Snitch-chasing Quidditch fans.

3. Live hand grenade badminton: military issue, with every game ending in Sudden Death. I think it would do wonders for motivation.

4. I think diving needs new challenges. Let’s see you do those acrobatic stunts while scuba diving.

5. Volleyball and hockey have had their progressive moments. Now all they need is to learn from each other: beach hockey and ice volleyball.

6. Almost every ball game – volleyball, golf, football, croquet – should have a version with bowling balls.

7. Bowling with storm drains – and you have to recover your own balls that end up in the gutter.